Micah Clemens
Washington, D.C.

I'm calling on every decent person to boycott the movie Contagion for its reckless disregard for reality and common sense. I am, of course, talking about the slander committed against Minneapolis, Minnesota, where part of the film was set.

Let me highlight some of the most egregious crimes committed against my home city. There are some minor spoilers below, but that shouldn't matter because, as you will see, my proposed boycott is warranted.

1. Overstatement: Minneapolis has a population of about 380,000, not the 1,000 percent exaggerated claim of 3.3 million in the film. Perhaps they meant the greater Seven County Metropolitan Area, but they should have said that if that's what they meant and any Minneapolitan would immediately correct such a careless oversight.
2. Giant plot hole: the disease in the film is purportedly spread through contact with other people. It is logically impossible for this disease to break out there since Minnesotans never have contact with other people if it can be at all avoided.
3. Characters don't act like rational Minnesotans: when the Governor somehow declares a quarantine on the entire State of Minnesota, Matt Damon's character and his daughter try and fail to flee to Wisconsin. Not only would that be the sixth choice for a Minnesotan in the real world¹, but there are only like 12 bridges to Wisconsin for the military to barricade and nearly 300 miles along the wide-open Iowa border.
4. A scene of unsupervised teenage co-ed snow angel making? I won't even dignify that filth with a response.
5. Unhelpful government officials: while dead bodies are piling up everywhere, the unidentified elected officials in Minnesota would only rudely respond with: "well, how are we going to pay for that?"²
6. Minnesotans looting? What's next, talking unicorns? Don't even get me started on Matt Damon's character desperately breaking into his neighbor's home to steal their easily accessible shotgun. A real Minnesotan would never do this since he probably didn't have a license to possess that kind of firearm.

To be fair, I suppose that if you can somehow see past all of the reality-defying plot holes and criminally slanderous portrayals of Minnesotans, you might actually enjoy this film. I kinda did.

¹ In order, the top six choices would be: 1) Iowa, 2) South Dakota, 3) Canada, 4) Die from either the virus or violent mob in Minnesota, 5) North Dakota, 6) Wisconsin.

² That might actually be plausible now, but for the sake of my screed, let's assume they filmed this before the 2010 election.

(Regarding AMC's decision last year to change their long-standing policy of allowing customers to bring in outside food or beverages, so long as it isn't alcoholic or in glass bottles)

FROM THE DESK OF MICAH CLEMENS

April 24, 2010

AMC Entertainment Inc.
P.O. Box 725489
Atlanta, GA 31139-9923

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing to express my displeasure with your company’s decision to change policy and forbid customers from bringing in outside food or drinks into your theaters. I write as a loyal customer of ten years and a former employee at your now-closed HarMar location in Roseville, Minnesota. 

One reason that I remained a loyal customer—aside from AMC’s generally excellent facilities and attention to technical detail in providing a quality movie-going experience—was that my choice to occasionally enjoy my own food or drink was respected by your chain. Usually I’d only bring in my own refreshments because I desired a more healthful option than what is offered by AMC concessions. I’d still patronize the concessions if I wanted a soda or candy, and didn’t mind paying more for the convenience. It was almost instinctual: I’d choose to go to AMC because I liked how they did business. Seeing as how you have completely reversed this customer-friendly policy, I am seriously considering taking my business and loyalties elsewhere.

Companies cannot instill positive feelings in customers by eagerly conforming to the lowest common acceptable practices in an industry. Don’t just do something and then justify doing it because your lousy competitors chose to as well. You want to know why so many people loathe wireless providers and domestic air carriers? Because of customer-alienating decisions like this that create a race-to-the-bottom where nobody wins and your customers begin to resent you. I have few acceptable alternatives to air travel and mobile phone providers, but I do have countless alternatives on how and where I spend my entertainment dollars. 

I ask you to please reconsider this policy change. Until then, I’ll think long and hard before choosing to drive out of my way to go to an AMC theater when I can get treated the same way at one of your more conveniently-located competitors. 

Sincerely yours,


Micah Clemens

Many people fear things like heights, public speaking, and death. Not me. The only* thing I really fear is killing plants that I am personally responsible for keeping alive.

I'm happy to report that after a month, I haven't killed my orchid yet! In fact, she's doing really well. My ambitious goal is that she survive the entire Summer of George, 2010.

* If you want to get all technical, I'm also terrified of jumbo flying squid. Seriously.

Two days until iPad Day!

Also: Summer Heights High will always be a classic

Today is the first day that the District’s same-sex couples can apply for marriage licenses. The Post has some great photos.

All I wanted to do was make a repeating purple paisley background for my website in Photoshop. I guess I never noticed how intricate a paisley pattern is. Three hours later... I'm pleased with how it turned out though. The trick is all in the layers and using the offset filter to make the patter repeat correctly.

That's how I feel right now on day seven of this stupid snow storm. I'm talking, of course, about Mangialardo's. Oh, what I wouldn't do right now for one of their meatball subs on a soft roll.

It's going on day six of the blizzard that has crippled the entire Washington region. Forecasts predict continued snowfall for at least the rest of today, and I've lost count of the total amount that has accumulated, but it's probably going to pass three feet today. The House of Reps is shut down, the above ground Metro is shut down and thousands of people have no power. The worst thing of all: I'm running out of tasty meal options.